書名：Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing < 小四生的無聊事件簿 >
美國出生成長的十歲(四年級)小朋友小宇，獨立英翻中，並使用漢語拼音輸入法自行打出中文字
黑字，小宇的原版翻譯(2012年五月)
綠字，媽媽整理潤稿後版本
藍字，英文原文
第二章：Juicy - O 果汁夫婦。(Mr. and Mrs. Juicy - O)
有一個晚上爸爸很高興地從公司回來。他告訴我們鴨筆夫婦要來紐約。他是Juicy-O的老闆。他住在支加哥。我在想他會不會再帶來一箱Juicy-O。如果他有的話我大概這輩子每天都要喝。只要想到我肚子就會痛。
我爸爸說他請鴨筆夫婦來我們家住。媽媽想知道為什麼他們不能住到旅館像別的人他們來到紐約的時候。爸爸說他們可以。可是他不想要他們住在旅館。爸爸覺得他們跟我們會比較舒服。媽媽說那是他聽過最奇怪的事情。
可是他把Fudge的房間整理好給客人。她把漂亮的床單和一個新的輩子放到沙發床上面。那是一個可以打開做床的沙發。在Fudge的房間因為那以前是我們的小客廳。他出生以前我們在那裡看電視。還有奶奶常常在我們家過夜。現在我們在客廳看電視。奶奶也不常常在我們家過夜了。
媽媽把Fudge的搖籃般到我的房間。媽媽說他三歲的時候就會有自己的床。我有很多理由我不喜歡跟Fudge睡覺。兩月前我房間被途油漆的時候我發現。我睡在Fudge的房間因為油漆的味道會讓我咳嗽。比如說，他睡覺的時候分講話。如果你不知道是他說夢話，你可能會被嚇到。還有有他吸手的聲音。我知道我醒著的時候我喜歡聽，但是我睡覺的時候我喜歡房間很安靜。
我抱怨要跟Fudge睡覺的時候媽媽說，「只是兩個晚上嘛。」「我可以睡在客廳，」我建議，「在沙發...還是一個椅子都可以。」「不，」媽媽說，「你睡在自己的房間。在自己的床！」爭執沒有用了。媽媽不會改變主意。
她整天都在廚房。她煮了很多東西。她用了全部的鍋子所以Fudge沒有鍋子可以敲來敲去。那是他一個最喜歡的興趣 ─ 敲鍋子。一個人會頭痛如果聽那個聲音。
吃完飯後媽媽就準備晚餐的桌子。我們沒有一個專門獨立吃晚飯的桌子。我們有客人來吃飯的時候我們是在客廳一邊吃飯。媽媽準備好桌子就放一個銀的大碗有很多花在中間。我說，「媽媽...看起來你在期待總統還是誰。」
「很好笑，Peter。」我媽媽回答。
有時候我媽媽對我的笑話笑的很誇張。有時候她假裝她不懂。還有我知道她懂我的笑話可是不是很喜歡。這比較是那種時候。所以我決定吃完飯之前不要再說笑話。
我下午去Jimmy Fargo的家。我四點回家。我發現媽媽站在餐桌旁邊喃喃自語。Fudge在地上玩爸爸的襪子。我不知道為什麼他那麼喜歡玩襪子，可是你給他幾雙襪子他會安靜得玩一個小時。
我說，「媽媽，我回家了。」
「我少兩朵花，」媽媽說。我不知道他怎麼發現有兩朵花從那銀的大碗不見，但是我看的時候，確實有兩個莖沒有東西在上面。
「不要怪我，」我說，「我會用兩朵花幹什麼？」
所以我們都看Fudge。「你有拿媽媽漂亮的花嗎？」媽媽問他。
「沒拿，」Fudge說。他在咬一個東西。
「什麼在你嘴巴？」媽媽問。
Fudge沒回答。
「讓媽媽看！」
「不給你看！」Fudge說。
「讓我看！」我媽媽把他抱起來，強迫他把嘴巴張開。他拿出來一個玫瑰花的花瓣。
「你用媽媽的花幹什麼？」他的聲音越來越大聲。她變的很不高興。
Fudge笑了一下。
「告訴媽媽！」
「好吃！」Fudge說，「好吃，好吃，好吃！」
「糟糕！」媽媽說，就跑去電話。
她打電話找Dr. Cone。媽媽告訴他Fudge吃了兩朵花。Dr. Cone一定問那種花，因為媽媽說，「好像是玫瑰花。可是我不確定，有一個可能是菊花。」
媽媽因為要聽醫生說什麼所以停了一會兒。後來媽媽說，「謝謝你，Dr. Cone。」她掛斷。
「不要再吃花了！。」她告訴Fudge。「你懂嗎？」
「不吃，」Fudge反覆講。「不吃...不吃...不吃。」
我媽媽給他滿滿一湯匙的胡椒薄荷口味的藥。就是我肚子痛的時候吃的藥。
後來媽媽帶他去洗澡。這種吃花的笨事情就讓我弟弟做吧！我在想花吃起來味道像什麼。「它們能很好吃可是我不知道因為我沒有吃過，」我想著。我決定去找出答案。我從一個粉紅色的玫瑰花拿下來一個花瓣。我把它放到嘴巴裡，咬一咬。可是我做不到。很難吃。我把它吐在垃圾桶。好吧，至少我知道我沒有錯過什麼好東西！
客人來之前Fudge在廚房先吃晚餐。他在吃的時候我聽到媽媽說，「Fudge今天會很乖。因為爸爸朋友要來。」
「乖，」Fudge說，「乖孩子。」
「對了！」媽媽告訴他。
當Fudge在吃飯我就去換衣服，梳洗。我會跟客人吃飯。九歲有它的好處！
爸爸跟鴨筆夫婦回來的時候媽媽已經打扮好。你不會想到媽媽整天在廚房。你也不會想到Fudge吃了兩朵花。他現在很好。他也聞起來很好-像嬰兒爽身粉。
鴨筆太太馬上把他抱起來。我就知道她會。她看起來像一個老奶奶。這種人就是喜歡一直逗小孩。她走進客廳抱著Fudge。後來她就坐在沙發上，把他放到腿上，晃著他玩。
「他不是最可愛的小男孩子嗎？」鴨筆太太說。「我最喜歡小寶寶。」鴨筆太太在Fudge的頭上親了一下。我一直等人告訴她Fudge不是一個小寶寶。可是沒有人說。
爸把鴨筆夫婦的行李箱放在Fudge的房間。他回來的時候他把我介紹給客人。
「這是我們的大兒子，Peter。」他告訴鴨筆夫婦。
「我九歲，四年級。」我告訴他們。
「Peter，你好嗎？」鴨筆先生說。
鴨筆太太只有對我點頭。她還忙著跟Fudge玩。
「我有一個驚喜給這個小男孩！」她說。「在我的皮箱。我應該去拿嗎？」
「要，」Fudge叫，「去拿...去拿！」
鴨筆太太笑，像是她聽過最好笑的笑話。「我馬上回來，」她告訴Fudge。
她把Fudge放下來，跑去走行李箱。她拿著一個被紅色的緞帶包著的禮物回來。
「哇！」Fudge叫，把眼睛張得很大。「好棒！」他拍手。鴨筆太太幫Fudge打開他的驚喜。是一個上發條的火車。它碰到東西就會轉過來。
Fudge很喜歡。他喜歡很吵的東西。
我說，「那是一個很好的火車。」
鴨筆太太轉過來，對我說，「我也有給你的禮物，嗯...嗯...」「Peter,」我提醒她，「我叫做Peter。」「好。我去拿吧。」鴨筆太太又跑出房間。
她拿著一個扁扁的盒子回來。也是一個整個被紅色的緞帶包著的禮物。她拿給我。Fudge 不玩他的火車，看我拿到什麼。
我很小心的把包裝紙拆下來，因為媽媽可能想要保存。也因為我想讓鴨筆太太知道我比弟弟還小心。我不知道是否她有注意到。
我的禮物是一個有圖案的大字典。就是我小時候喜歡的那種。我的舊的已經在Fudge的書櫃。
「我不知道大男生喜歡什麼。」鴨筆太太說。「所以在店裡面的小姐說書很適合。」
我想著，「一本書是一個好的主意。但是一個圖案字典！那是給小小孩！」我八歲就有自己的字典。
可是我知道我應該有禮貌所以我說，「謝謝你。這就是我想要的東西。」
「我很高興！」鴨筆太太說。她鬆了一口氣，坐回沙發。
爸爸問鴨筆先生要不要喝飲料。
「好，好。」 鴨筆先生說。
「要喝什麼？」爸爸問。
「要喝什麼？」鴨筆先生笑著反覆講，「你覺得我要喝什麼，Hatcher？要喝Juicy-O！我們只喝這個。對你的身體很好！」鴨筆先生搥搥他的胸膛。
「當然！」爸爸說，像他本來就知道。「Juicy-O給大家！」爸爸告訴媽媽。她進廚房拿。
當爸爸跟鴨筆先生在談話的時候，Fudge不見了。正當媽媽端出來鴨筆先生最喜歡的飲料，給每個人一杯的時候，Fudge回來。
他拿著一本書───我那本舊的，破的圖案字典。跟鴨筆太太剛給我的一模一樣。
「看，」Fudge說，爬到鴨筆太太的腿上。「看書。」
我想要消失。我覺得爸爸媽媽也一樣。
「看書！」現在Fudge把書舉高在頭上。
「我可以用一個新的一本，」我解釋。「我真的可以。我舊的已經破了。我試著笑一笑。
「是可以退還的，」鴨筆太太說。「已經有一本一模一樣的書還留下一本新的很好笑。」她聽起來像被冒犯。像是我的錯她帶給我我已經有的書。
「我的！」Fudge說。他把書合起來，抱著緊緊。「我的...我的...我的....」
「你們送禮的心意是最重要的。」媽媽說。「你人很好，也想到我們的小孩。」
後來她轉對Fudge說。「把書放回去了，Fudgie。」
「不是Fudgie的睡覺時間嗎？」爸爸提了一下。「是，是。應該是，」媽媽說，把他抱起來。「Fudgie，說晚安。」「晚安Fudgie！」弟弟說，跟我們揮手。
我們在吃晚餐的時候Fudge應該已經睡著了。預防萬一，媽媽放很多玩具在他的床裡面讓他忙著玩。我覺得媽媽有點自欺欺人。因為我們知道Fudge什麼時候都可以爬出來。
他沒來煩我們，直到我們在吃烤牛肉。後來拿著Dribble的bowl進來。他馬上走向鴨筆太太。他覺的鴨筆太太是他的新朋友。「看，」他說，把Dribble遞給鴨筆太太。「看Dribble。」
鴨筆太太叫喊。「啊！我不能忍受爬蟲類。把那東西拿走！」
Fudge看起來很失望。所以他把Dribble拿給鴨筆先生看。「看，」他說。
「HATCHER！」鴨筆先生大喊。「叫他把那個東西拿走！」
我不懂為什麼鴨筆先生叫我爸爸「Hatcher。」他因該知道他的名字是Warren？還有我不喜歡鴨筆太太和鴨筆先生叫Dribble一個「東西。」
我跳起來。「把他給我！」我告訴Fudge。我拿走Dribble和他的玻璃缸，跑到房間去。我仔細檢查我的烏龜。他看起來還好。我不想要把這個事情在客人面前鬧的很大可是我很生氣！我說真的很生氣！Fudge知道他不因該碰我的烏龜！
「Peter，」我爸爸爸叫，「過來吃你的晚餐。」
我回到餐桌的時候我聽到鴨筆太太說，「有小孩真有趣。我們自己都沒有小孩。」
「可是如果我們有，」鴨筆先生告訴爸爸，「我們會教他們有禮貌。我是一個很傳統的人！」
「我們也是，Howard，」爸爸說得很無力。
我覺得鴨筆先生膽子很大，竟然說我們沒禮貌。我不是假裝我喜歡他們的又笨又舊的圖案字典嘛？如果那不是禮貌，我不知道什麼是！
我媽媽說抱歉，離開一下，然後把 Fudge抱到他的房間。我猜媽媽又把他放在床裡面。我希望媽媽叫他不要碰我的東西。
我們沒有聽到他的聲音，直我們吃點心。正好媽媽在倒咖啡的時候，他戴著我去年的萬聖節橡皮猩猩面具跑進來。是個跟真的很像。我猜那就是為什麼鴨筆太太尖叫那麼大聲。如果她沒有叫那麼大聲媽媽大概不會打翻咖啡在地上。
爸爸抓住Fudge然後把猩猩面具拿下來。「這樣不好玩，Fudge！」他說。
「好笑，」Fudge笑。「好玩，好玩，好玩，Fudgie！」
「沒錯，Hatcher！」鴨筆先生說。「傳統的規矩！」
到那個時候我很確定爸爸很後悔鴨筆夫婦沒有住在旅館。
我十點終於才睡覺。Fudge在他的床吮手指頭。我想我會被吵的睡不著！但是我還是睡著。我醒過來一次，當Fudge開始咕嚕咕嚕亂講話。他說，「Boo-ba-mum-mum-ha-ba-shi。」不管那是什麼意思。我一點都不害怕。我悄悄的說，「閉嘴！」他就閉嘴。
隔天一早我手臂怪怪的。一開始我沒有醒過來。我只有覺得有點癢癢的。我以為是我還在做夢。但是我覺得有人在看我。所以我打開眼睛。
Fudge高高的站著然後Dribble在我手臂上爬。我猜Fudge知道我要揍他，因為他彎下腰親我。媽媽生氣的時候他就這樣做。他覺得沒人可以抗拒他這可愛的樣子。很多次對媽媽有效。可是跟我沒效！我跳起來，把Dribble放回它的玻璃缸，然後很用力從背後打Fudge。
他叫得很大聲。我爸爸跑進我們的房間。他還是穿著睡衣。
他小聲的說，「這裡這麼回事？」我指著Fudge；他指著我。
爸爸把弟弟抱起來帶走。「繼續睡覺，Peter，」他說。「現在才早上六點。」
我又睡了一個小時，起來聽到很誇張的吵鬧聲。是Fudge在玩他新的火車。把大家還有鴨筆夫婦都吵醒。可是現在鴨筆夫婦不能怪別人。是他們自己給Fudge那個發條火車。
吃早餐的時候大家都很沉默。沒有人說什麼話。鴨筆先生喝了兩杯Juicy-O。後來他告訴我爸爸他和鴨筆太太在收拾行李。他們吃完早餐就要搬到旅館。
我爸爸說他懂。這個公寓對那麼多人太小。媽媽沒有說什麼。
鴨筆先生去Fudge的房間拿他的公事包他叫很大聲。「HATCHER！」
爸爸跑向Fudge的房間。我媽媽和鴨筆太太跟著他。我追在後面。我們到那裡的時候我們看到Fudge坐在鴨筆夫婦的公事包上。他已經貼了大概一百張綠色的郵票在上面。就是媽媽在超級市場拿到的。
「看，」Fudge說。「看...好看。」他笑。別人都沒有。後來它舔了最後一個郵票然後把他貼在公事包的中間。「沒了！」Fudge說，高舉雙手。
媽媽花了半個小時才把全部的郵票撕下來和把鴨筆夫婦的公事包弄乾淨。
過了一個禮拜我爸爸從公司回來並且把全部的Juicy-O丟掉。他把它倒到垃圾桶。我媽媽覺得很難過，因為爸爸丟掉了一個很重要的工作。可是爸爸就他不要擔心。Juicy-O賣的不好。似乎沒有人喜歡把橘子，葡萄柚，鳳梨，梨子，和香蕉混在一起的味道。
「你知道嘛？爸爸，」我說，「我只是為了表示有禮貌才喝Juicy-O。難喝死了！」
「你知道有趣的是，Peter？」爸爸說，「我自己也覺得這個飲料很爛！」
以下綠字是媽媽閱讀小宇的譯稿後的修改與潤稿
第二章：Juicy-O 果汁夫婦
有天，爸爸從公司回來興高采烈地宣布，亞比夫婦要來紐約，就是 Juicy-O 果汁的老闆，他們住在芝加哥。我一聽，首先想到不知道他還會不會再帶一大箱的Juicy-O 果汁來，如果這樣，慘了，也許這輩子我都被迫要喝這個怪飲料。光是想到這點，我的肚子已經開始痛了。
媽媽說為什麼他們不去住旅館，像其他那些來紐約的觀光客一樣。爸爸說他們當然可以，但是爸爸主動邀約他們來我們家住，他想住在家裡比待在旅館舒適。媽媽說這才怪哩。
不過媽媽還是配合爸爸的意思，把法奇的房間整理出來給客人使用，她把房裡的沙發床換上了漂亮的床單和新的被褥。
那是一個可以翻開來當做床的沙發，放在法奇的房裡。本來這個房間是我們家的小客廳，法奇出生前我們都在這房裡看電視，奶奶也常來這兒過夜。現在我們都在起居室看電視，奶奶也不常來過夜了。
媽媽把法奇的嬰兒床搬到我的房裡，她解釋說等到法奇三歲就可以有自己的普通床了。我不喜歡跟法奇睡在一起。兩個月前因為我的房間剛剛粉刷，新油漆的味道會讓我咳嗽，我只好去法奇的房間跟法奇睡，那時候我就知道我不喜歡跟法奇睡一間房；第一，他有說夢話的習慣，不知道的人，是會被那奇怪的說話聲嚇壞的；還有，我也不喜歡法奇吸手指的怪聲音，雖然有時候聽聽很有趣，但是晚上睡覺時我還是希望是安安靜靜的。
當我開始抱怨的時候，媽媽回答說「彼得，只是兩個晚上。」我說「我想去睡客廳，我可以睡在沙發上，甚至睡在普通的椅子上都沒關係。」「不，」媽媽回答說「你就是給我睡在你的房裡，你自己的床上。」算了，堅持跟媽媽爭執只是白費氣力，她是不會改變主意的。
媽媽整天都在廚房裡忙著做大餐，大概把廚房裡所有的鍋具都用上了，所以沒有剩下什麼不用的鍋子可以讓法奇敲著玩。敲鍋子是法奇的嗜好之一，聽到那種噪音真的讓人覺得腦袋都要炸開了。
午餐過後，媽媽開始準備晚餐桌，其實我們並沒有獨立正式的餐廳間，有客人來的時候我們就在起居間的一旁用餐，當媽媽把餐桌準備好，她擺了個銀色的大碗在桌子中間，碗裡面插滿了花。
我說「媽，看起來你好像是準備接待總統還是什麼大人物要來訪。」
「很好笑，彼得。」
有些時候媽媽對我說的笑話很捧場，會哈哈大笑，也有些時候他明明聽懂我的笑話，但是假裝不懂；還有些時候，她是聽懂我的笑話，但是對它不感興趣不喜歡。我想現在大概是最後的一種情況，所以，我決定在吃完晚飯前，都不要再亂開口說笑話了。
下午我去吉米家玩，四點左右回來，我發現媽媽站在餐桌旁邊喃喃自語，法奇在地上玩著爸爸的襪子，不明白為什麼法奇那麼喜歡玩襪子，可是你只要給他幾雙襪子，他可以安靜地玩上一個鐘頭。
我說「媽，我回來了。」
「少了兩朵花。」媽媽說。
我不知道為什麼媽媽可以在那樣一大把花的當中發現少了兩朵，不過，當我仔細一看，確實是發現有兩隻光禿禿的花莖在那兒，花朵不見了。
「別看我，」我說：「我幹嘛拿你的花？」
所以我和媽媽同時望向法奇，「你有沒有拿媽媽的漂亮花花？」媽媽開口問他。
「沒有拿！」法奇回答，但是他的嘴巴正不知道在嚼什麼。
「你嘴巴裡有什麼？」媽媽問，但是法奇不回答。
「讓我看看。」媽媽說，
「不給你看。」法奇回答，
「給我看！」媽媽把法奇拉起來並且挖開他的嘴，掏出了一片玫瑰花瓣，
「看你做了什麼好事？」媽媽提高了聲音，法奇還在笑， 她真的生氣了，「告訴媽媽」。
「好吃好吃好好吃。」法奇喊著。
「天哪，」媽媽高聲叫出來，然後趕去打電話，他打給醫師孔恩，告訴醫師法奇吃了兩朵花，醫師在電話那頭大概是問了什麼花，我聽到媽媽回答：「玫瑰，我想吧，不過我也不很確定，其中一朵也可能是雛菊。」
媽媽靜靜地聽著醫師的囑咐好一會兒，然後她說：「謝謝你孔恩醫師。」掛了電話。
「不能再拿花了。」媽媽對法奇說，「懂嘛？」
「不能拿.....不能拿......不能拿」法奇回應著。
媽媽餵了法奇一湯匙胡椒薄荷口味的藥水，就是那種平常我肚子痛吃的藥，然後帶他去洗澡。
我想，這種吃花朵的蠢事，就留給我弟弟做就好了，不過我又有點好奇花兒嚐起來味道如何，「要是它們很好吃，我卻因為沒有嚐過，所以不知道，那不是很遺憾？」我決定要自己試試看找出答案，我摘下一朵粉紅色玫瑰的花瓣放進嘴裡試著去嚼它。但是實在難以下嚥，太難吃了，趕快吐倒垃圾筒裡。好啦，至少我知道我自己並沒有錯失什麼好滋味吧。
客人來之前，媽媽先讓法奇在廚房吃完飯，他一面吃，媽媽一面叮嚀他「法奇今天晚上一定會是一個好孩子，在爸爸的朋友前要表現得乖乖的喔」。
「很好，很好的好孩子。」法奇重複。
「很好」媽媽告訴他。
當法奇吃完飯，我也已經梳洗完畢換好衣服，晚上我可以和客人一起用餐，當九歲的大孩子有九歲的好處。
當爸爸和亞比夫婦一起進們時，媽媽已經裝扮好，一點也看不出來他在廚房忙亂了一整天，也絕看不出來家裡還發生過法奇吃了兩朵花的怪事，法奇看起來還不錯，甚至聞起來不錯 ── 就是嬰兒爽身粉的味道。
亞比太太馬上就把法起抱起來，我知道這種老太太就是這樣的，對小小孩很感興趣，喜歡一直逗小孩玩。她抱著法奇走進客廳，坐在沙發上，把法奇放在自己的膝頭上，晃著他玩。
「實在是太可愛的孩子了，」亞比太太說「我最喜歡小寶寶了！」亞比太太在法奇的額頭上親了一下。
我等著有人開口告訴她法奇已經不是一個小寶寶了呢！但是沒有人糾正她。
爸爸把客人的行李先提進了法奇的房間，回頭來跟客人介紹我：「這是我們的大兒子，彼得」。
我跟客人打招呼「我今年九歲，我在四年級。」
亞比先生跟我回話，亞比太太只跟我點點頭，她還在忙著逗弄法奇：「我有驚喜要給這個可愛的小孩喔，在我的行李裡面，現在去拿來好吧？」
法奇大喊：「好棒，快去，快去拿」
亞比太太笑著，一副聽到什麼天大的笑話似的，「我馬上就來。」她告訴法奇，把法奇放下，然後去找她的行李。回頭她帶著一個綁著大紅緞帶的禮物出現。
「哇，」法奇驚喜地叫著，眼睛張得大大的「好棒！」拍著他的雙手。
亞比太太幫法奇把禮物拆開，那是一個上發條的火車，還會發出聲音，它撞到什麼東西就會自己轉向，法奇很喜歡，法奇喜歡吵鬧的東西。
我說「這個火車真棒。」
亞比太太轉向我，跟我說：「喔，我也有禮物要給......嗯，你，嗯......」
「彼得，」我提醒她：「我的名字叫做彼得。」
「是的，好，我去拿禮物。」亞比太太又離開客廳一會兒，接著她拿著一個扁狀的禮物回來，也是一個被紅色緞帶包著的禮物。她遞給我，法奇也停下來不玩火車了，湊過來看我的禮物是什麼。
我小心翼翼地把包裝紙拆開，因為我想媽媽會想要保存這些包裝紙，而且我也想讓亞比太太看看我是懂事的大孩子，比我弟弟還細心；不知道她是不是有注意到這點。
原來我的禮物是一個圖案大辭典，就是我四歲那種年紀的小孩才喜歡的東西，我早就有一本舊的，現在已經在法奇的書櫃那兒了。
「我不知道大男生喜歡什麼，」亞比太太說，「店裡的小姐說送書最合適了。」
我心想「送書當然是個好主意，不過，圖案辭典這種東西，是給小小孩的。」早在八歲我就已經在用大人使用的普通詞典了。
不過，我知道我必須要有禮貌的回應，所以我說：「謝謝您，這正是我最想要的東西。」
「很高興你喜歡這本書。」亞比太太看起來鬆了一口氣，坐回沙發。
爸爸問亞比先生要不要喝點什麼？亞比先生說：「好主意，好主意.....」.....
爸爸又再追問：「要喝什麼呢？」
「要喝什麼？」 亞比先生重複爸爸的問話，笑著 ：「你說呢？赫丘，當然是 Juicy-O, 我什麼都不喝，只喝這個，對身體最好了。」亞比先生一面說一面搥搥自己的胸膛。
「那當然，」爸爸說得好像一副本來他就是同樣的意見似的：「給每個人一杯 Juicy-O」, 他回頭跟媽媽說；媽媽就回廚房去準備了。
爸爸和亞比先生開始討論喝什麼的時候，法奇不見了，而當媽媽端出亞比先生最愛的飲料，要給每人一杯的時候，法奇出現了，還捧著一本書，是的，就是我那本又破又舊的圖案大辭典，跟剛剛亞比太太送我的一模一樣的那本。
「看，」法奇爬上亞比太太的膝頭坐下，「看，書。」
場面尷尬得讓我真恨不得自己當場消失，我相信我的父母一定也有同感。
「我希望有一本新的，」我趕快解釋，「舊的這本已經爛得不能用了。」我試著笑笑說。
「沒關係，這個書可以退，」亞比太太說，「這書你已經有了，又多有了一本一模一樣的，是很滑稽。」
她的口氣感覺是不太高興，被冒犯了，彷彿她送了我一本一模一樣的書，是我的錯似的。
我們準備用餐的時候，法奇應該是要睡著的。但為了預防萬一，媽媽在他的小床裡放了一大堆的玩具讓他可以忙著玩不來鬧人。真不知道老媽在想什麼這麼天真，因為我們都知道，法奇什麼時候愛爬出他的小床，他就是會爬出來。
他確實是讓我們大家有一段寧靜的時間，直到我們正在享用我們的烤牛排，然後就看到法奇拿著我的玻璃缸出來，他直接走到亞比太太的跟前，「看，」法奇說，把裝著 Dribble 玻璃缸湊近亞比太太的眼前，「看，這個是 Dribble。」
亞比太太驚叫起來：「天哪，我不能忍受爬蟲類，快把這個玩意給我拿走。」
法奇對亞比太太的反應有點失望，所以他轉向亞比先生「看」，他說。
亞比先生沉著聲音對爸爸說：「赫丘，叫你兒子把那個玩意拿開。」
我不懂為什麼亞比先生要叫爸爸的姓氏「赫丘」，難道他不知道爸爸的名字叫做沃倫嗎？
還有，我也不喜歡亞比先生和太太說 Dribble 是一個「玩意」，還用那種口氣！
我跳起來說跟法奇說「還給我」，我帶著 Dribble 和他的玻璃缸加重腳步回房間，我好好的檢查了一下我的烏龜，牠看起來還好。我其實並不想在客人面前發脾氣把事情鬧大，但是我真的很生氣，我說真的，我非常生氣。這小子應該知道他不應該來亂碰我的烏龜。
「彼得，」爸爸在叫「出來吃晚餐。」
回到餐桌坐好，我聽到亞比太太說：「家裡有小孩真有意思，我們自己都沒有小孩。」
然後亞比先生接著說：「不過，如果我們有自己的孩子，我一定會教會他們懂禮貌，我是一個很傳統的人。」
「我們其實也是很傳統的，也注重教養的，皓爾。」
爸爸雖然這樣說，但是顯得很沒有說服力。
我覺得亞比先生實在很囂張，竟然敢指稱我們沒有禮貌。我難道不是已經有禮地假裝我很喜歡他們送的那又蠢又舊的圖案字典嗎？如果我都這樣做了，還不算是有禮貌，我不知道他還想要我怎樣？
媽媽對客人說失陪一下，然後把法奇抱回房間，我猜她還是把法奇放回小床裡，希望媽媽可以提醒她不要亂碰我的東西。
直到我們開始用點心， 我們都沒聽到法奇的聲音，正當媽媽在給每個人到咖啡的時候，法奇戴著我去年萬聖節的橡皮猩猩面具跑進來，這個面具做得跟真的一樣，我想，那就是為什麼亞比太太的尖叫聲會那麼驚人了，要是亞比太太沒有叫得那樣，媽媽也許還不致於把咖啡整個打翻在地上。
爸爸趕快抓住法奇，然後把猩猩面具拿下來，他說「法奇，這一點都不好玩，知道嗎？」
法奇笑著說「好玩好玩好好玩，好玩的法奇。」
「我說的沒錯吧，赫丘，傳統的教導規矩還是很重要的。」
這一刻，我想我爸媽一定很後悔沒有讓亞比夫婦去住旅館。
弄到十點我才上床睡覺，法奇睡在他的小床裡吮著他的手指頭，我以為我一定會被吵得睡不好，但結果我睡得還不錯，我只醒過來一次，聽到法奇嘴裡的嘟喃「碰吧牟牟哈吧吁.....」天曉得他在說什麼，我也沒有被這怪聲嚇到，我輕聲說「閉嘴」，他真的閉嘴了。
隔天一早我感覺到我的手臂上怪怪的，一開始我還沒有真的清醒過來，只是覺得好像有點癢癢的，我還以為我在做夢，不過我馬上感覺到有人正在盯著我，所以我睜開了眼睛。
睜眼就看到法奇站在我眼前，而且 Dribble 正在我的手臂上爬行。我猜法奇知道我一定會火大到要殺了他，因為他彎下腰來要親我，裝可愛這一招，對媽媽生氣時很有效，他一定覺得沒有人可以抗拒他這麼可愛討喜的模樣，而且很多次對媽媽確實是很有用，但對我可是對牛彈琴，我跳起身來，把 Dribble 放回玻璃缸，然後很用力地槌打法奇的背，他哀號。
還穿著睡衣的爸爸，衝進我們的房裡, 壓低聲音問「這是怎麼一回事？」
我指著法奇，法奇指著我。
爸爸抱起法奇，然後跟我說，「彼得，繼續睡，現在才早上六點鐘。」
之後，我又睡了一個小時，然後被吵嚷的聲音吵醒，是法奇在玩他的新火車，那個噪音把全屋子的人都吵醒了，當然包括亞比夫婦。不過這一次，當然他們沒辦法亂怪誰了，是他們自己帶這個火車來當禮物送給法奇的。
早餐桌上大家都很沉默，沒有人說話，亞比先生喝了兩杯 Juicy-O, 接著他告訴爸爸他和亞比太太已經收拾好行李，用過早餐後，他們就直接搬到旅館去。
爸爸表示說他了解，這個公寓對大家來說太小了，我媽媽沒說什麼。
當亞比先生走回法奇的房裡拿行李時，我們聽到他的聲音爆發了：「赫丘」!!
爸爸向房裡跑去，媽媽和亞比太太跟著，我也緊隨在後，到了房裡，我們看到法奇做在他們的行李箱上，他正在用一大堆的綠色貼紙替亞比夫婦的行李箱做裝飾，那些貼紙是媽媽從超級市場拿來的。
「看，看，漂漂，很漂漂。」法奇笑得很開心，不過沒有人覺得好笑，接著他把最後一張綠色貼紙舔了舔，貼在行李箱的正中間，「沒沒了，通通用光光。」他高舉著雙手。
把那些貼紙從行李箱上清乾淨，大概花了媽媽一個半小時。
一週後爸爸從辦公室回家，把家裡全部的 Juicy-O 收拾一番，全部丟到垃圾桶。因為爸爸丟掉了一個重要的客戶， 媽媽覺得很難過。可是爸爸跟她說不用擔心，Juicy-O 銷售並不好，根本沒有人喜歡把橘、葡萄柚、鳳梨、梨子，和香蕉混在一起的味道。
「你知道嗎？爸爸，」我說「我只是不想太失禮才勉強喝Juicy-O的，它真是難喝死了。」
「你知道嗎？彼得，」爸爸回說：「我也覺得這個飲料真是很爛。
Chapter 2: Mr. and Mrs. Juicy-O
One night my father came home from the office all excited. He told us Mr. and Mrs. Yarby were coming to New York. He’s the president of Juicy-O company. He lives in Chicago. I wondered if he’d bring my father another crate of Juicy-O. If he did I’d probably be drinking it for the rest of my life. Just thinking about if was enough to make my stomach hurt.
My father said he invited Mr. and Mrs Yarby to stay with us. My mother wanted to know why they couldn’t stay at a hotel like most people who come to New York. My father said they could. But he didn’t want them to. He thought they’d be more comfortable staying with us. My mother said that was about the silliest thing she’d ever heard.
But she fixed up Fudge’s bed room for our guests. She put fancy sheets and a brand-new blanket on the hide-a-bed. That’s a sofa that opens up into a bed at night. It’s in Fudge’s room because that used to be our den. Before he was born we watched TV in there. And lots of times Grandma slept over on the hide-a- bed. Now we watch TV right in the living room. And Grandma doesn’t sleep over very often.
My mother moved Fudge’s crib into my room. He’s going to get a regular bed when he’s three, my mother says. There are a lot of reasons I don’t like to sleep in the same room as Fudge. I found that out two months ago when my bed room was being painted. I had to sleep in Fudge’s room for three nights because the paint smell made me cough. For one thing, he talks in his sleep. And if a person didn’t know better, a person could get scared. Another thing is that slurping noise he makes. It’s true that I like to hear it when I’m awake, but when I’m trying to fall asleep I like things very quiet.
When I complained about having to sleep with Fudge my mother said, “It’s just for two nights, Peter.”
“I’ll sleep in the living room,” I suggested. “ On the sofa. . .or even in a chair.”
“No,” my mother said. “You will sleep in your bedroom. In your own bed!
There was no point in arguing. Mom wasn’t going to change her mind.
She spent the day in the kitchen. She really cooked up a storm. She used so many pots and pans Fudge didn’t have any left to bang together. And that’s one of his favorite pastimes - banging pots and pans together. A person can get an awful headache listening to that racket.
Right after lunch my mother opened up the dinner table. We don’t have a separate dining room. When we have company for dinner we eat in one end of the living room. When Mm finished setting the table she put silver bowl filled wit flowers right in the middle. I said, “ Hey, Mom . . . it looks like you’re expecting the President or something.”
“Very funny, Peter!” my mother answered.
Sometimes my mother laughs like crazy at my jokes. Other times she pretends not to get them. And then, there are times when I know she gets them but she doesn’t seem to like them. this was one of those times. So I decided no more jokes until after dinner.
I went to JImmy Fargo’s for the after noon. I came home at four o’clock. I found my mother standing over the dinner table mumbling. Fudge was on the floor playing with my father’s socks. I’m not sure why he likes socks so much, but if you give him a few pairs he’ll play quietly for an hour.
I said, “Hi, Mom. I’m home.”
“I’m missing two flowers,” my mother said.
I don’t know how she noticed that two flowers were missing from her silver bowl. Because there were at least a dozen of them left. But sure enough, when I checked I saw two stems with nothing on them.
“ Don’t look at me, Mom,” I said. “ What would I do with two measly flowers?”
So we both looked at Fudge. “ Did you take MOmmy’s pretty flowers?” my mother asked him.
“No take,” Fudge said. H was chewing on something.
What’s in your mouth?” my mother asked.
Fudge didn’t answer.
“ Show Mommy!”
“No show,” Fudge said.
“ Oh yes!” My mother picked him up and forced his mouth open. She fished out a rose petal.
“What did you do with Mommy’s flowers?” She raised her voice. She was really getting upset.
Fudge laughed.
“Tell Mommy!”
“Yum!” Fudge said. “Yummy yummy yummy!”
“OH no!” my mother cried rushing to the telephone.
She called Dr. Cone. She told him that Fudge ate two flowers. Dr. Cone must have asked what kind, because my mother said, “Roses, I think. But I can’t be sure. One might have been a daisy.”
There was a long pause while my mother listened to whatever Dr. Cone had to say. Then Mom said, “Thank you, Dr. Cone.” She hung up.
“No more flowers!” she told Fudge. “ You understand?”
“No more,” Fudge repeated. “No more . . . no more . . . no more.”
My mother gave him a spoonful of peppermint-flavored medicine. The kind I take when I have a stomach pains. The she carried Fudge off to have his bath.
Leave it to my brother to eat flowers! I wondered how they tasted. Maybe they’re delicious and I don’t know it because I’ve never tasted one, I thought. I decided to find out. I picked off one petal from a pink rose. I put it in my mouth and tried to chew it up. But I couldn't do it. It tasted awful. I spit it out in the garbage. Well, at least now I knew I wasn’t missing anything great!
Fudge ate his supper in the kitchen before our company arrived. While he was eating I heard my mother remind him, “Fudgie’s going to be a good boy tonight. Very good for Daddy’s friends.”
“Good,” Fudge said. “Good boy.”
“That’s right!” my mother told him.
I changed and scrubbed up while Fudge finished his supper. I was going to eat with the company. Being nine has its advantages!
My mother was all dressed up by the time my father got home with the Yarbys. You’d never have guessed that Mom spent most of the day in the kitchen. You’d also never have guessed that Fudge ate two flowers. He was feeling fine. He even smelled nice-like baby powder.
Mrs. Yarby picked him up right away. I knew she would. She looked like a grandmother. That type always makes a big deal out of Fudge. She walked into the living room cuddling him. Then she sat down on the sofa and bounced Fudge around on her lap.
“Isn’t he the cutest little boy!” Mrs. Yarby said. “ I just love babies.” She gave him a big kiss on the top of his head. I kept waiting for some body to tell her Fudge was no baby. But no one did.
My father carried the Yarbys’ suitcase into Fudge’s room. when he came back he introduced me to our company.
“ This is our older son, Peter,” he said to the Yarbys.
“I”m nine and in fourth grade,” I told them.
“How do, Peter,” Mr. Yarby said.
Mrs Yarby just gave me a nod. She was still busy with Fudge. “I have a surprise for this dear little boy!” she said. “ It’s in my suitcase. Should I go get it?”
“Yes,” Fudge shouted. “Go get . . . go get!”
Mrs. Yarby laughed, as if that was the best joke she ever heard. “I’ll be right back,” she told Fudge. She put him down and ran off to find her suitcase.
She came back carrying a present tied up with a red ribbon.
“Ohhhh!” Fudge cried, Opening his eyes wide. “Goody!” He clapped his hands
Mrs. Yarby helped him unwrap his surprise. It was a wind up train that made a lot of noise. Every time it bumped into something it turned around and went the other way.
Fudge liked it a lot. He likes anything that’s noisy.
I said, “ That’s a nice train.”
Mrs. Yarby turned to me. “Oh, I have something for your too uh . . . uh. . . .”
“Peter,” I reminded her. “My name is Peter.”
“Yes. Well, I’.. go get it.”
Mrs. Yarby left the room again. This time she came back with a flat package. It was wrapped up too-red ribbon and all. She handed it to me. Fudge stopped playing with his train long enough to come over and see what I got. I took off the paper very carefully in case my mother wanted to save it. And also to show Mrs. Yarby that I’m a lot more careful about things than my brother. I’m not sure she noticed. My present turned out to be a big picture dictionary. The kind I liked when I was about for years old. My old one is in Fudge’s bookcase now.
“I don’t know much about big boys, “ Mrs. Yarby said. “ So the lady in the store said a nice book would be a good idea.”
A nice book would have been a good idea, I thought. But a picture dictionary! That’s for babies! I’ve had my own regular dictionary since I was eight. But I knew I had to be polite so I said, “ Thank you very much. It’s just what I’ve always wanted.”
“I’m so glad!” Mrs. Yarby said. She let out a long sigh and sat back on the sofa.
My father offered the Yarbys a drink.
“Good idea . . .good idea,” Mr. Yarby said.
“What’ll it be ?” my father asked.
“What’ll it be ?” Mr. Yarby repeated, laughing. “What do you think, Hatcher? It’ll be Juicy-O! That’s all we ever drink. Good for your health!” Mr. Yarby pounded his chest.
“Of course!” my father said, like he knew it all along. “Juicy-O for everyone!” my father told my mother. She went into the kitchen to get it.
While my father and Mr. Yarby were discussing Juicy-O, Fudge disappeared. Just as my mother served everyone a glass of Mr. Yarby’s favorite drink he came back. He was carrying a book-my old, worn-out picture dictionary. The same as the one the Yarbys just gave me.
“See,” Fudge said, climbing up on Mrs. Yarby’s lap. “ See book.”
I wanted to vanish. I think my mother and father did too.
“ See book!” Now Fudge held it up over his head.
“I can use another one,” I explained. “ I really can. That old one is falling apart.” I tried to laugh.
“It’s returnable,” Mrs. Yarby said. “ It’s silly to keep it if you already have one.” She sounded insulted. Like it was my fault she brought me some thing I already had.
“MINE!” Fudge said. He closed the book and held it tight against his chest. “MINE . . . MINE . . . MINE. . . .”
“It’s the thought that counts,” my mother said. “It was so nice of you to think of our boys.” Then she turned to Fudge. “Put the book away now, Fudgie.”
“Isn’t it Fudgie’s bedtime?” my father hinted.
“Oh yes. I think it is,” my mother said scooping him up. “ Say goodnight Fudgie.”
“Goodnight Fudgie!” my brother said, waving at us.
Fudge was supposed to fall asleep before we sat down to dinner. But just in case, my mother put a million little toys in his crib to keep him busy. I don’t know who my mother thought she was fooling. Because we all know that Fudge can climb out of his any old time he wants to.
He stayed away until we were in the middle of our roast beef. Then he came in carrying Dribble’s bowl. He walked right up to Mrs. Yarby. He thought she was his new friend. “See,” he said, holding Dribble under her nose. “See Dribble.”
Mrs. Yarby shrieked. “Ohhhh! I can’t stand reptiles. Get that thing away from me!”
Fudge looked disappointed. So he showed Dribble to Mr Yarby. “See,” he said.
“HATCHER!” Mr. Yarby boomed. “Make him get that thing out of here!"
I wondered why Mr. Yarby called my father “Hatcher” Didn’t he know his first name was Warren? And I didn’t like the way Mr. and Mrs. Yarby both called Dribble a “thing.”
I jumped up. “Give him to me!” I told Fudge. I took Dribble and his bowl and marched into my room. I inspected my turtle all over. He seemed all right. I didn’t want to make a big scene in front of our company but I was mad! I mean really mad! That kid knows he’s not allowed to touch my turtle!
“Peter,” my father called, “come and finish your dinner.”
When I got back to the table I heard Mrs. Yarby say, “It must be interesting to have children. We never had any ourselves.”
“But if we did,” Mr. Yarby told my father, “we’d teach them some manners. I’m a firm believer in old-fashioned good manners!”
“So are we, Howard,” my father said in a weak voice.
I thought Mr. Yarby had a lot of nerve to hint that we had no manners. Didn’t I pretend to like their dumb old picture dictionary? If that isn’t good manners, then I don’t know what is!
My mother excused herself and carried Fudge back to my room. I guess she put him into his crib again. I hoped she told him to keep his hands off my things.
We didn’t hear from him again until dessert. Just as my mother was pouring the coffee he ran in wearing my rubber gorilla mask from last Hallowe’en. It’s a very real-looking mask. I guess that’s why Mrs. Yarby screamed so loud. If she hadn’t made so much noise my mother probably wouldn’t have spilled the coffee all over the floor.
My father grabbed Fudge and pulled the gorilla mask off him. “ That’s not funny, Fudgie!” he said.
“Funny,” Fudge laughed. “Funny, funny, funny, Fudgie!”
“Yes sir, Hatcher!” Mr. Yarby said. “Old-fashioned manners!”
By that time I’m sure my father was sorry the Yarbys weren’t staying at a hotel.
I finally got to bed at ten. Fudge was in his crib slurping away. I thought I’d never fall asleep! But I guess I did. I woke up once, when Fudge started babbling. He said, “Boo-ba-mum-mum-ha-ba-shi.” Whatever that means. I didn’t even get scared. I whispered, “Shut up!” And he did.
Early the next morning I felt something funny on my arm. At first I didn’t wake up. I just felt this little tickle. I thought it was part of my dream. But then I had the feeling somebody was staring at me. So I opened my eyes.
Fudge was standing over me and Dribble was crawling around on my arm. I guess Fudge could tell I was about to kill him because he bent down and kissed me. That’s what he does when my mother’s angry at him. He thinks nobody can resist him when he makes himself so lovable. And a lot of times it works with my mother. But not with me! I jumped up, put Dribble back into his bowl, and smacked Fudge on his backside. Hard. He hollered.
My father came running into my room. He was still in his pajamas.
He whispered, “What’s going on in here?”
I pointed at Fudge and he pointed at me.
My father picked up my brother and carried him off. “Go back to sleep, Peter,” he said. “It’s only six o’clock in the morning.”
I fell asleep for another hour, then woke up to awful noise. It was Fudge playing with his new train. It woke up everybody, including the Yarbys. But this time there was nobody they coud blame. They were the ones who gave Fudge the train in the first place.
Breakfast was a very quiet affair. Nobody had much to say. Mr. Yarby drank two glasses of Juicy-O. Then he told my father that he and Mrs. Yarby had their suitcase packed. They were leaving for a hotel as soon as breakfast was over.
My father said he understood. That the apartment was too small for so many people. My mother didn’t say anything.
When Mr. Yarby went into Fudge’s bedroom to pick up his suitcase his voice boomed. “HATCHER!”
My father ran toward the bedroom. My mother and Mrs. Yarby followed him. I followed them. When we got there we saw Fudge sitting on the Yarbys’ suitcase. He had decorated it with about one hundred green stamps The kind my mother gets at the supermarket.
“See,” Fudge said. “See . . . pretty.” He laughed. Nobody else did. Then he licked the last green stamp and stuck it right in the middle of the suitcase. “All gone!” Fudge sang, holding up his hands.
It took my mother half an hour to peel off her trading stamps and clean up the Yarbys’ suitcase.
The next week my father came home from the office and collected all the cans of Juicy-O in our house. He dumped them into the garbage. My mother felt bad that my father had lost such an important account. But my father told her not to worry. Juicy-O wasn’t selling very well at the stores. Nobody seemed to like the combination of oranges, grapefruits, pineapples, pears, and bananas.
“You know, Dad,” I said. “I only drank Juicy-O to be polite. I really hated it!”
“You know something funny, Peter?” my father said. “I thought it was pretty bad myself!”
美國出生成長的十歲(四年級)小朋友小宇，獨立英翻中，並使用漢語拼音輸入法自行打出中文字
黑字，小宇的原版翻譯(2012年五月)
綠字，媽媽整理潤稿後版本
藍字，英文原文
第二章：Juicy - O 果汁夫婦。(Mr. and Mrs. Juicy - O)
有一個晚上爸爸很高興地從公司回來。他告訴我們鴨筆夫婦要來紐約。他是Juicy-O的老闆。他住在支加哥。我在想他會不會再帶來一箱Juicy-O。如果他有的話我大概這輩子每天都要喝。只要想到我肚子就會痛。
我爸爸說他請鴨筆夫婦來我們家住。媽媽想知道為什麼他們不能住到旅館像別的人他們來到紐約的時候。爸爸說他們可以。可是他不想要他們住在旅館。爸爸覺得他們跟我們會比較舒服。媽媽說那是他聽過最奇怪的事情。
可是他把Fudge的房間整理好給客人。她把漂亮的床單和一個新的輩子放到沙發床上面。那是一個可以打開做床的沙發。在Fudge的房間因為那以前是我們的小客廳。他出生以前我們在那裡看電視。還有奶奶常常在我們家過夜。現在我們在客廳看電視。奶奶也不常常在我們家過夜了。
媽媽把Fudge的搖籃般到我的房間。媽媽說他三歲的時候就會有自己的床。我有很多理由我不喜歡跟Fudge睡覺。兩月前我房間被途油漆的時候我發現。我睡在Fudge的房間因為油漆的味道會讓我咳嗽。比如說，他睡覺的時候分講話。如果你不知道是他說夢話，你可能會被嚇到。還有有他吸手的聲音。我知道我醒著的時候我喜歡聽，但是我睡覺的時候我喜歡房間很安靜。
我抱怨要跟Fudge睡覺的時候媽媽說，「只是兩個晚上嘛。」「我可以睡在客廳，」我建議，「在沙發...還是一個椅子都可以。」「不，」媽媽說，「你睡在自己的房間。在自己的床！」爭執沒有用了。媽媽不會改變主意。
她整天都在廚房。她煮了很多東西。她用了全部的鍋子所以Fudge沒有鍋子可以敲來敲去。那是他一個最喜歡的興趣 ─ 敲鍋子。一個人會頭痛如果聽那個聲音。
吃完飯後媽媽就準備晚餐的桌子。我們沒有一個專門獨立吃晚飯的桌子。我們有客人來吃飯的時候我們是在客廳一邊吃飯。媽媽準備好桌子就放一個銀的大碗有很多花在中間。我說，「媽媽...看起來你在期待總統還是誰。」
「很好笑，Peter。」我媽媽回答。
有時候我媽媽對我的笑話笑的很誇張。有時候她假裝她不懂。還有我知道她懂我的笑話可是不是很喜歡。這比較是那種時候。所以我決定吃完飯之前不要再說笑話。
我下午去Jimmy Fargo的家。我四點回家。我發現媽媽站在餐桌旁邊喃喃自語。Fudge在地上玩爸爸的襪子。我不知道為什麼他那麼喜歡玩襪子，可是你給他幾雙襪子他會安靜得玩一個小時。
我說，「媽媽，我回家了。」
「我少兩朵花，」媽媽說。我不知道他怎麼發現有兩朵花從那銀的大碗不見，但是我看的時候，確實有兩個莖沒有東西在上面。
「不要怪我，」我說，「我會用兩朵花幹什麼？」
所以我們都看Fudge。「你有拿媽媽漂亮的花嗎？」媽媽問他。
「沒拿，」Fudge說。他在咬一個東西。
「什麼在你嘴巴？」媽媽問。
Fudge沒回答。
「讓媽媽看！」
「不給你看！」Fudge說。
「讓我看！」我媽媽把他抱起來，強迫他把嘴巴張開。他拿出來一個玫瑰花的花瓣。
「你用媽媽的花幹什麼？」他的聲音越來越大聲。她變的很不高興。
Fudge笑了一下。
「告訴媽媽！」
「好吃！」Fudge說，「好吃，好吃，好吃！」
「糟糕！」媽媽說，就跑去電話。
她打電話找Dr. Cone。媽媽告訴他Fudge吃了兩朵花。Dr. Cone一定問那種花，因為媽媽說，「好像是玫瑰花。可是我不確定，有一個可能是菊花。」
媽媽因為要聽醫生說什麼所以停了一會兒。後來媽媽說，「謝謝你，Dr. Cone。」她掛斷。
「不要再吃花了！。」她告訴Fudge。「你懂嗎？」
「不吃，」Fudge反覆講。「不吃...不吃...不吃。」
我媽媽給他滿滿一湯匙的胡椒薄荷口味的藥。就是我肚子痛的時候吃的藥。
後來媽媽帶他去洗澡。這種吃花的笨事情就讓我弟弟做吧！我在想花吃起來味道像什麼。「它們能很好吃可是我不知道因為我沒有吃過，」我想著。我決定去找出答案。我從一個粉紅色的玫瑰花拿下來一個花瓣。我把它放到嘴巴裡，咬一咬。可是我做不到。很難吃。我把它吐在垃圾桶。好吧，至少我知道我沒有錯過什麼好東西！
客人來之前Fudge在廚房先吃晚餐。他在吃的時候我聽到媽媽說，「Fudge今天會很乖。因為爸爸朋友要來。」
「乖，」Fudge說，「乖孩子。」
「對了！」媽媽告訴他。
當Fudge在吃飯我就去換衣服，梳洗。我會跟客人吃飯。九歲有它的好處！
爸爸跟鴨筆夫婦回來的時候媽媽已經打扮好。你不會想到媽媽整天在廚房。你也不會想到Fudge吃了兩朵花。他現在很好。他也聞起來很好-像嬰兒爽身粉。
鴨筆太太馬上把他抱起來。我就知道她會。她看起來像一個老奶奶。這種人就是喜歡一直逗小孩。她走進客廳抱著Fudge。後來她就坐在沙發上，把他放到腿上，晃著他玩。
「他不是最可愛的小男孩子嗎？」鴨筆太太說。「我最喜歡小寶寶。」鴨筆太太在Fudge的頭上親了一下。我一直等人告訴她Fudge不是一個小寶寶。可是沒有人說。
爸把鴨筆夫婦的行李箱放在Fudge的房間。他回來的時候他把我介紹給客人。
「這是我們的大兒子，Peter。」他告訴鴨筆夫婦。
「我九歲，四年級。」我告訴他們。
「Peter，你好嗎？」鴨筆先生說。
鴨筆太太只有對我點頭。她還忙著跟Fudge玩。
「我有一個驚喜給這個小男孩！」她說。「在我的皮箱。我應該去拿嗎？」
「要，」Fudge叫，「去拿...去拿！」
鴨筆太太笑，像是她聽過最好笑的笑話。「我馬上回來，」她告訴Fudge。
她把Fudge放下來，跑去走行李箱。她拿著一個被紅色的緞帶包著的禮物回來。
「哇！」Fudge叫，把眼睛張得很大。「好棒！」他拍手。鴨筆太太幫Fudge打開他的驚喜。是一個上發條的火車。它碰到東西就會轉過來。
Fudge很喜歡。他喜歡很吵的東西。
我說，「那是一個很好的火車。」
鴨筆太太轉過來，對我說，「我也有給你的禮物，嗯...嗯...」「Peter,」我提醒她，「我叫做Peter。」「好。我去拿吧。」鴨筆太太又跑出房間。
她拿著一個扁扁的盒子回來。也是一個整個被紅色的緞帶包著的禮物。她拿給我。Fudge 不玩他的火車，看我拿到什麼。
我很小心的把包裝紙拆下來，因為媽媽可能想要保存。也因為我想讓鴨筆太太知道我比弟弟還小心。我不知道是否她有注意到。
我的禮物是一個有圖案的大字典。就是我小時候喜歡的那種。我的舊的已經在Fudge的書櫃。
「我不知道大男生喜歡什麼。」鴨筆太太說。「所以在店裡面的小姐說書很適合。」
我想著，「一本書是一個好的主意。但是一個圖案字典！那是給小小孩！」我八歲就有自己的字典。
可是我知道我應該有禮貌所以我說，「謝謝你。這就是我想要的東西。」
「我很高興！」鴨筆太太說。她鬆了一口氣，坐回沙發。
爸爸問鴨筆先生要不要喝飲料。
「好，好。」 鴨筆先生說。
「要喝什麼？」爸爸問。
「要喝什麼？」鴨筆先生笑著反覆講，「你覺得我要喝什麼，Hatcher？要喝Juicy-O！我們只喝這個。對你的身體很好！」鴨筆先生搥搥他的胸膛。
「當然！」爸爸說，像他本來就知道。「Juicy-O給大家！」爸爸告訴媽媽。她進廚房拿。
當爸爸跟鴨筆先生在談話的時候，Fudge不見了。正當媽媽端出來鴨筆先生最喜歡的飲料，給每個人一杯的時候，Fudge回來。
他拿著一本書───我那本舊的，破的圖案字典。跟鴨筆太太剛給我的一模一樣。
「看，」Fudge說，爬到鴨筆太太的腿上。「看書。」
我想要消失。我覺得爸爸媽媽也一樣。
「看書！」現在Fudge把書舉高在頭上。
「我可以用一個新的一本，」我解釋。「我真的可以。我舊的已經破了。我試著笑一笑。
「是可以退還的，」鴨筆太太說。「已經有一本一模一樣的書還留下一本新的很好笑。」她聽起來像被冒犯。像是我的錯她帶給我我已經有的書。
「我的！」Fudge說。他把書合起來，抱著緊緊。「我的...我的...我的....」
「你們送禮的心意是最重要的。」媽媽說。「你人很好，也想到我們的小孩。」
後來她轉對Fudge說。「把書放回去了，Fudgie。」
「不是Fudgie的睡覺時間嗎？」爸爸提了一下。「是，是。應該是，」媽媽說，把他抱起來。「Fudgie，說晚安。」「晚安Fudgie！」弟弟說，跟我們揮手。
我們在吃晚餐的時候Fudge應該已經睡著了。預防萬一，媽媽放很多玩具在他的床裡面讓他忙著玩。我覺得媽媽有點自欺欺人。因為我們知道Fudge什麼時候都可以爬出來。
他沒來煩我們，直到我們在吃烤牛肉。後來拿著Dribble的bowl進來。他馬上走向鴨筆太太。他覺的鴨筆太太是他的新朋友。「看，」他說，把Dribble遞給鴨筆太太。「看Dribble。」
鴨筆太太叫喊。「啊！我不能忍受爬蟲類。把那東西拿走！」
Fudge看起來很失望。所以他把Dribble拿給鴨筆先生看。「看，」他說。
「HATCHER！」鴨筆先生大喊。「叫他把那個東西拿走！」
我不懂為什麼鴨筆先生叫我爸爸「Hatcher。」他因該知道他的名字是Warren？還有我不喜歡鴨筆太太和鴨筆先生叫Dribble一個「東西。」
我跳起來。「把他給我！」我告訴Fudge。我拿走Dribble和他的玻璃缸，跑到房間去。我仔細檢查我的烏龜。他看起來還好。我不想要把這個事情在客人面前鬧的很大可是我很生氣！我說真的很生氣！Fudge知道他不因該碰我的烏龜！
「Peter，」我爸爸爸叫，「過來吃你的晚餐。」
我回到餐桌的時候我聽到鴨筆太太說，「有小孩真有趣。我們自己都沒有小孩。」
「可是如果我們有，」鴨筆先生告訴爸爸，「我們會教他們有禮貌。我是一個很傳統的人！」
「我們也是，Howard，」爸爸說得很無力。
我覺得鴨筆先生膽子很大，竟然說我們沒禮貌。我不是假裝我喜歡他們的又笨又舊的圖案字典嘛？如果那不是禮貌，我不知道什麼是！
我媽媽說抱歉，離開一下，然後把 Fudge抱到他的房間。我猜媽媽又把他放在床裡面。我希望媽媽叫他不要碰我的東西。
我們沒有聽到他的聲音，直我們吃點心。正好媽媽在倒咖啡的時候，他戴著我去年的萬聖節橡皮猩猩面具跑進來。是個跟真的很像。我猜那就是為什麼鴨筆太太尖叫那麼大聲。如果她沒有叫那麼大聲媽媽大概不會打翻咖啡在地上。
爸爸抓住Fudge然後把猩猩面具拿下來。「這樣不好玩，Fudge！」他說。
「好笑，」Fudge笑。「好玩，好玩，好玩，Fudgie！」
「沒錯，Hatcher！」鴨筆先生說。「傳統的規矩！」
到那個時候我很確定爸爸很後悔鴨筆夫婦沒有住在旅館。
我十點終於才睡覺。Fudge在他的床吮手指頭。我想我會被吵的睡不著！但是我還是睡著。我醒過來一次，當Fudge開始咕嚕咕嚕亂講話。他說，「Boo-ba-mum-mum-ha-ba-shi。」不管那是什麼意思。我一點都不害怕。我悄悄的說，「閉嘴！」他就閉嘴。
隔天一早我手臂怪怪的。一開始我沒有醒過來。我只有覺得有點癢癢的。我以為是我還在做夢。但是我覺得有人在看我。所以我打開眼睛。
Fudge高高的站著然後Dribble在我手臂上爬。我猜Fudge知道我要揍他，因為他彎下腰親我。媽媽生氣的時候他就這樣做。他覺得沒人可以抗拒他這可愛的樣子。很多次對媽媽有效。可是跟我沒效！我跳起來，把Dribble放回它的玻璃缸，然後很用力從背後打Fudge。
他叫得很大聲。我爸爸跑進我們的房間。他還是穿著睡衣。
他小聲的說，「這裡這麼回事？」我指著Fudge；他指著我。
爸爸把弟弟抱起來帶走。「繼續睡覺，Peter，」他說。「現在才早上六點。」
我又睡了一個小時，起來聽到很誇張的吵鬧聲。是Fudge在玩他新的火車。把大家還有鴨筆夫婦都吵醒。可是現在鴨筆夫婦不能怪別人。是他們自己給Fudge那個發條火車。
吃早餐的時候大家都很沉默。沒有人說什麼話。鴨筆先生喝了兩杯Juicy-O。後來他告訴我爸爸他和鴨筆太太在收拾行李。他們吃完早餐就要搬到旅館。
我爸爸說他懂。這個公寓對那麼多人太小。媽媽沒有說什麼。
鴨筆先生去Fudge的房間拿他的公事包他叫很大聲。「HATCHER！」
爸爸跑向Fudge的房間。我媽媽和鴨筆太太跟著他。我追在後面。我們到那裡的時候我們看到Fudge坐在鴨筆夫婦的公事包上。他已經貼了大概一百張綠色的郵票在上面。就是媽媽在超級市場拿到的。
「看，」Fudge說。「看...好看。」他笑。別人都沒有。後來它舔了最後一個郵票然後把他貼在公事包的中間。「沒了！」Fudge說，高舉雙手。
媽媽花了半個小時才把全部的郵票撕下來和把鴨筆夫婦的公事包弄乾淨。
過了一個禮拜我爸爸從公司回來並且把全部的Juicy-O丟掉。他把它倒到垃圾桶。我媽媽覺得很難過，因為爸爸丟掉了一個很重要的工作。可是爸爸就他不要擔心。Juicy-O賣的不好。似乎沒有人喜歡把橘子，葡萄柚，鳳梨，梨子，和香蕉混在一起的味道。
「你知道嘛？爸爸，」我說，「我只是為了表示有禮貌才喝Juicy-O。難喝死了！」
「你知道有趣的是，Peter？」爸爸說，「我自己也覺得這個飲料很爛！」
以下綠字是媽媽閱讀小宇的譯稿後的修改與潤稿
第二章：Juicy-O 果汁夫婦
有天，爸爸從公司回來興高采烈地宣布，亞比夫婦要來紐約，就是 Juicy-O 果汁的老闆，他們住在芝加哥。我一聽，首先想到不知道他還會不會再帶一大箱的Juicy-O 果汁來，如果這樣，慘了，也許這輩子我都被迫要喝這個怪飲料。光是想到這點，我的肚子已經開始痛了。
媽媽說為什麼他們不去住旅館，像其他那些來紐約的觀光客一樣。爸爸說他們當然可以，但是爸爸主動邀約他們來我們家住，他想住在家裡比待在旅館舒適。媽媽說這才怪哩。
不過媽媽還是配合爸爸的意思，把法奇的房間整理出來給客人使用，她把房裡的沙發床換上了漂亮的床單和新的被褥。
那是一個可以翻開來當做床的沙發，放在法奇的房裡。本來這個房間是我們家的小客廳，法奇出生前我們都在這房裡看電視，奶奶也常來這兒過夜。現在我們都在起居室看電視，奶奶也不常來過夜了。
媽媽把法奇的嬰兒床搬到我的房裡，她解釋說等到法奇三歲就可以有自己的普通床了。我不喜歡跟法奇睡在一起。兩個月前因為我的房間剛剛粉刷，新油漆的味道會讓我咳嗽，我只好去法奇的房間跟法奇睡，那時候我就知道我不喜歡跟法奇睡一間房；第一，他有說夢話的習慣，不知道的人，是會被那奇怪的說話聲嚇壞的；還有，我也不喜歡法奇吸手指的怪聲音，雖然有時候聽聽很有趣，但是晚上睡覺時我還是希望是安安靜靜的。
當我開始抱怨的時候，媽媽回答說「彼得，只是兩個晚上。」我說「我想去睡客廳，我可以睡在沙發上，甚至睡在普通的椅子上都沒關係。」「不，」媽媽回答說「你就是給我睡在你的房裡，你自己的床上。」算了，堅持跟媽媽爭執只是白費氣力，她是不會改變主意的。
媽媽整天都在廚房裡忙著做大餐，大概把廚房裡所有的鍋具都用上了，所以沒有剩下什麼不用的鍋子可以讓法奇敲著玩。敲鍋子是法奇的嗜好之一，聽到那種噪音真的讓人覺得腦袋都要炸開了。
午餐過後，媽媽開始準備晚餐桌，其實我們並沒有獨立正式的餐廳間，有客人來的時候我們就在起居間的一旁用餐，當媽媽把餐桌準備好，她擺了個銀色的大碗在桌子中間，碗裡面插滿了花。
我說「媽，看起來你好像是準備接待總統還是什麼大人物要來訪。」
「很好笑，彼得。」
有些時候媽媽對我說的笑話很捧場，會哈哈大笑，也有些時候他明明聽懂我的笑話，但是假裝不懂；還有些時候，她是聽懂我的笑話，但是對它不感興趣不喜歡。我想現在大概是最後的一種情況，所以，我決定在吃完晚飯前，都不要再亂開口說笑話了。
下午我去吉米家玩，四點左右回來，我發現媽媽站在餐桌旁邊喃喃自語，法奇在地上玩著爸爸的襪子，不明白為什麼法奇那麼喜歡玩襪子，可是你只要給他幾雙襪子，他可以安靜地玩上一個鐘頭。
我說「媽，我回來了。」
「少了兩朵花。」媽媽說。
我不知道為什麼媽媽可以在那樣一大把花的當中發現少了兩朵，不過，當我仔細一看，確實是發現有兩隻光禿禿的花莖在那兒，花朵不見了。
「別看我，」我說：「我幹嘛拿你的花？」
所以我和媽媽同時望向法奇，「你有沒有拿媽媽的漂亮花花？」媽媽開口問他。
「沒有拿！」法奇回答，但是他的嘴巴正不知道在嚼什麼。
「你嘴巴裡有什麼？」媽媽問，但是法奇不回答。
「讓我看看。」媽媽說，
「不給你看。」法奇回答，
「給我看！」媽媽把法奇拉起來並且挖開他的嘴，掏出了一片玫瑰花瓣，
「看你做了什麼好事？」媽媽提高了聲音，法奇還在笑， 她真的生氣了，「告訴媽媽」。
「好吃好吃好好吃。」法奇喊著。
「天哪，」媽媽高聲叫出來，然後趕去打電話，他打給醫師孔恩，告訴醫師法奇吃了兩朵花，醫師在電話那頭大概是問了什麼花，我聽到媽媽回答：「玫瑰，我想吧，不過我也不很確定，其中一朵也可能是雛菊。」
媽媽靜靜地聽著醫師的囑咐好一會兒，然後她說：「謝謝你孔恩醫師。」掛了電話。
「不能再拿花了。」媽媽對法奇說，「懂嘛？」
「不能拿.....不能拿......不能拿」法奇回應著。
媽媽餵了法奇一湯匙胡椒薄荷口味的藥水，就是那種平常我肚子痛吃的藥，然後帶他去洗澡。
我想，這種吃花朵的蠢事，就留給我弟弟做就好了，不過我又有點好奇花兒嚐起來味道如何，「要是它們很好吃，我卻因為沒有嚐過，所以不知道，那不是很遺憾？」我決定要自己試試看找出答案，我摘下一朵粉紅色玫瑰的花瓣放進嘴裡試著去嚼它。但是實在難以下嚥，太難吃了，趕快吐倒垃圾筒裡。好啦，至少我知道我自己並沒有錯失什麼好滋味吧。
客人來之前，媽媽先讓法奇在廚房吃完飯，他一面吃，媽媽一面叮嚀他「法奇今天晚上一定會是一個好孩子，在爸爸的朋友前要表現得乖乖的喔」。
「很好，很好的好孩子。」法奇重複。
「很好」媽媽告訴他。
當法奇吃完飯，我也已經梳洗完畢換好衣服，晚上我可以和客人一起用餐，當九歲的大孩子有九歲的好處。
當爸爸和亞比夫婦一起進們時，媽媽已經裝扮好，一點也看不出來他在廚房忙亂了一整天，也絕看不出來家裡還發生過法奇吃了兩朵花的怪事，法奇看起來還不錯，甚至聞起來不錯 ── 就是嬰兒爽身粉的味道。
亞比太太馬上就把法起抱起來，我知道這種老太太就是這樣的，對小小孩很感興趣，喜歡一直逗小孩玩。她抱著法奇走進客廳，坐在沙發上，把法奇放在自己的膝頭上，晃著他玩。
「實在是太可愛的孩子了，」亞比太太說「我最喜歡小寶寶了！」亞比太太在法奇的額頭上親了一下。
我等著有人開口告訴她法奇已經不是一個小寶寶了呢！但是沒有人糾正她。
爸爸把客人的行李先提進了法奇的房間，回頭來跟客人介紹我：「這是我們的大兒子，彼得」。
我跟客人打招呼「我今年九歲，我在四年級。」
亞比先生跟我回話，亞比太太只跟我點點頭，她還在忙著逗弄法奇：「我有驚喜要給這個可愛的小孩喔，在我的行李裡面，現在去拿來好吧？」
法奇大喊：「好棒，快去，快去拿」
亞比太太笑著，一副聽到什麼天大的笑話似的，「我馬上就來。」她告訴法奇，把法奇放下，然後去找她的行李。回頭她帶著一個綁著大紅緞帶的禮物出現。
「哇，」法奇驚喜地叫著，眼睛張得大大的「好棒！」拍著他的雙手。
亞比太太幫法奇把禮物拆開，那是一個上發條的火車，還會發出聲音，它撞到什麼東西就會自己轉向，法奇很喜歡，法奇喜歡吵鬧的東西。
我說「這個火車真棒。」
亞比太太轉向我，跟我說：「喔，我也有禮物要給......嗯，你，嗯......」
「彼得，」我提醒她：「我的名字叫做彼得。」
「是的，好，我去拿禮物。」亞比太太又離開客廳一會兒，接著她拿著一個扁狀的禮物回來，也是一個被紅色緞帶包著的禮物。她遞給我，法奇也停下來不玩火車了，湊過來看我的禮物是什麼。
我小心翼翼地把包裝紙拆開，因為我想媽媽會想要保存這些包裝紙，而且我也想讓亞比太太看看我是懂事的大孩子，比我弟弟還細心；不知道她是不是有注意到這點。
原來我的禮物是一個圖案大辭典，就是我四歲那種年紀的小孩才喜歡的東西，我早就有一本舊的，現在已經在法奇的書櫃那兒了。
「我不知道大男生喜歡什麼，」亞比太太說，「店裡的小姐說送書最合適了。」
我心想「送書當然是個好主意，不過，圖案辭典這種東西，是給小小孩的。」早在八歲我就已經在用大人使用的普通詞典了。
不過，我知道我必須要有禮貌的回應，所以我說：「謝謝您，這正是我最想要的東西。」
「很高興你喜歡這本書。」亞比太太看起來鬆了一口氣，坐回沙發。
爸爸問亞比先生要不要喝點什麼？亞比先生說：「好主意，好主意.....」.....
爸爸又再追問：「要喝什麼呢？」
「要喝什麼？」 亞比先生重複爸爸的問話，笑著 ：「你說呢？赫丘，當然是 Juicy-O, 我什麼都不喝，只喝這個，對身體最好了。」亞比先生一面說一面搥搥自己的胸膛。
「那當然，」爸爸說得好像一副本來他就是同樣的意見似的：「給每個人一杯 Juicy-O」, 他回頭跟媽媽說；媽媽就回廚房去準備了。
爸爸和亞比先生開始討論喝什麼的時候，法奇不見了，而當媽媽端出亞比先生最愛的飲料，要給每人一杯的時候，法奇出現了，還捧著一本書，是的，就是我那本又破又舊的圖案大辭典，跟剛剛亞比太太送我的一模一樣的那本。
「看，」法奇爬上亞比太太的膝頭坐下，「看，書。」
場面尷尬得讓我真恨不得自己當場消失，我相信我的父母一定也有同感。
「我希望有一本新的，」我趕快解釋，「舊的這本已經爛得不能用了。」我試著笑笑說。
「沒關係，這個書可以退，」亞比太太說，「這書你已經有了，又多有了一本一模一樣的，是很滑稽。」
她的口氣感覺是不太高興，被冒犯了，彷彿她送了我一本一模一樣的書，是我的錯似的。
我們準備用餐的時候，法奇應該是要睡著的。但為了預防萬一，媽媽在他的小床裡放了一大堆的玩具讓他可以忙著玩不來鬧人。真不知道老媽在想什麼這麼天真，因為我們都知道，法奇什麼時候愛爬出他的小床，他就是會爬出來。
他確實是讓我們大家有一段寧靜的時間，直到我們正在享用我們的烤牛排，然後就看到法奇拿著我的玻璃缸出來，他直接走到亞比太太的跟前，「看，」法奇說，把裝著 Dribble 玻璃缸湊近亞比太太的眼前，「看，這個是 Dribble。」
亞比太太驚叫起來：「天哪，我不能忍受爬蟲類，快把這個玩意給我拿走。」
法奇對亞比太太的反應有點失望，所以他轉向亞比先生「看」，他說。
亞比先生沉著聲音對爸爸說：「赫丘，叫你兒子把那個玩意拿開。」
我不懂為什麼亞比先生要叫爸爸的姓氏「赫丘」，難道他不知道爸爸的名字叫做沃倫嗎？
還有，我也不喜歡亞比先生和太太說 Dribble 是一個「玩意」，還用那種口氣！
我跳起來說跟法奇說「還給我」，我帶著 Dribble 和他的玻璃缸加重腳步回房間，我好好的檢查了一下我的烏龜，牠看起來還好。我其實並不想在客人面前發脾氣把事情鬧大，但是我真的很生氣，我說真的，我非常生氣。這小子應該知道他不應該來亂碰我的烏龜。
「彼得，」爸爸在叫「出來吃晚餐。」
回到餐桌坐好，我聽到亞比太太說：「家裡有小孩真有意思，我們自己都沒有小孩。」
然後亞比先生接著說：「不過，如果我們有自己的孩子，我一定會教會他們懂禮貌，我是一個很傳統的人。」
「我們其實也是很傳統的，也注重教養的，皓爾。」
爸爸雖然這樣說，但是顯得很沒有說服力。
我覺得亞比先生實在很囂張，竟然敢指稱我們沒有禮貌。我難道不是已經有禮地假裝我很喜歡他們送的那又蠢又舊的圖案字典嗎？如果我都這樣做了，還不算是有禮貌，我不知道他還想要我怎樣？
媽媽對客人說失陪一下，然後把法奇抱回房間，我猜她還是把法奇放回小床裡，希望媽媽可以提醒她不要亂碰我的東西。
直到我們開始用點心， 我們都沒聽到法奇的聲音，正當媽媽在給每個人到咖啡的時候，法奇戴著我去年萬聖節的橡皮猩猩面具跑進來，這個面具做得跟真的一樣，我想，那就是為什麼亞比太太的尖叫聲會那麼驚人了，要是亞比太太沒有叫得那樣，媽媽也許還不致於把咖啡整個打翻在地上。
爸爸趕快抓住法奇，然後把猩猩面具拿下來，他說「法奇，這一點都不好玩，知道嗎？」
法奇笑著說「好玩好玩好好玩，好玩的法奇。」
「我說的沒錯吧，赫丘，傳統的教導規矩還是很重要的。」
這一刻，我想我爸媽一定很後悔沒有讓亞比夫婦去住旅館。
弄到十點我才上床睡覺，法奇睡在他的小床裡吮著他的手指頭，我以為我一定會被吵得睡不好，但結果我睡得還不錯，我只醒過來一次，聽到法奇嘴裡的嘟喃「碰吧牟牟哈吧吁.....」天曉得他在說什麼，我也沒有被這怪聲嚇到，我輕聲說「閉嘴」，他真的閉嘴了。
隔天一早我感覺到我的手臂上怪怪的，一開始我還沒有真的清醒過來，只是覺得好像有點癢癢的，我還以為我在做夢，不過我馬上感覺到有人正在盯著我，所以我睜開了眼睛。
睜眼就看到法奇站在我眼前，而且 Dribble 正在我的手臂上爬行。我猜法奇知道我一定會火大到要殺了他，因為他彎下腰來要親我，裝可愛這一招，對媽媽生氣時很有效，他一定覺得沒有人可以抗拒他這麼可愛討喜的模樣，而且很多次對媽媽確實是很有用，但對我可是對牛彈琴，我跳起身來，把 Dribble 放回玻璃缸，然後很用力地槌打法奇的背，他哀號。
還穿著睡衣的爸爸，衝進我們的房裡, 壓低聲音問「這是怎麼一回事？」
我指著法奇，法奇指著我。
爸爸抱起法奇，然後跟我說，「彼得，繼續睡，現在才早上六點鐘。」
之後，我又睡了一個小時，然後被吵嚷的聲音吵醒，是法奇在玩他的新火車，那個噪音把全屋子的人都吵醒了，當然包括亞比夫婦。不過這一次，當然他們沒辦法亂怪誰了，是他們自己帶這個火車來當禮物送給法奇的。
早餐桌上大家都很沉默，沒有人說話，亞比先生喝了兩杯 Juicy-O, 接著他告訴爸爸他和亞比太太已經收拾好行李，用過早餐後，他們就直接搬到旅館去。
爸爸表示說他了解，這個公寓對大家來說太小了，我媽媽沒說什麼。
當亞比先生走回法奇的房裡拿行李時，我們聽到他的聲音爆發了：「赫丘」!!
爸爸向房裡跑去，媽媽和亞比太太跟著，我也緊隨在後，到了房裡，我們看到法奇做在他們的行李箱上，他正在用一大堆的綠色貼紙替亞比夫婦的行李箱做裝飾，那些貼紙是媽媽從超級市場拿來的。
「看，看，漂漂，很漂漂。」法奇笑得很開心，不過沒有人覺得好笑，接著他把最後一張綠色貼紙舔了舔，貼在行李箱的正中間，「沒沒了，通通用光光。」他高舉著雙手。
把那些貼紙從行李箱上清乾淨，大概花了媽媽一個半小時。
一週後爸爸從辦公室回家，把家裡全部的 Juicy-O 收拾一番，全部丟到垃圾桶。因為爸爸丟掉了一個重要的客戶， 媽媽覺得很難過。可是爸爸跟她說不用擔心，Juicy-O 銷售並不好，根本沒有人喜歡把橘、葡萄柚、鳳梨、梨子，和香蕉混在一起的味道。
「你知道嗎？爸爸，」我說「我只是不想太失禮才勉強喝Juicy-O的，它真是難喝死了。」
「你知道嗎？彼得，」爸爸回說：「我也覺得這個飲料真是很爛。
Chapter 2: Mr. and Mrs. Juicy-O
One night my father came home from the office all excited. He told us Mr. and Mrs. Yarby were coming to New York. He’s the president of Juicy-O company. He lives in Chicago. I wondered if he’d bring my father another crate of Juicy-O. If he did I’d probably be drinking it for the rest of my life. Just thinking about if was enough to make my stomach hurt.
My father said he invited Mr. and Mrs Yarby to stay with us. My mother wanted to know why they couldn’t stay at a hotel like most people who come to New York. My father said they could. But he didn’t want them to. He thought they’d be more comfortable staying with us. My mother said that was about the silliest thing she’d ever heard.
But she fixed up Fudge’s bed room for our guests. She put fancy sheets and a brand-new blanket on the hide-a-bed. That’s a sofa that opens up into a bed at night. It’s in Fudge’s room because that used to be our den. Before he was born we watched TV in there. And lots of times Grandma slept over on the hide-a- bed. Now we watch TV right in the living room. And Grandma doesn’t sleep over very often.
My mother moved Fudge’s crib into my room. He’s going to get a regular bed when he’s three, my mother says. There are a lot of reasons I don’t like to sleep in the same room as Fudge. I found that out two months ago when my bed room was being painted. I had to sleep in Fudge’s room for three nights because the paint smell made me cough. For one thing, he talks in his sleep. And if a person didn’t know better, a person could get scared. Another thing is that slurping noise he makes. It’s true that I like to hear it when I’m awake, but when I’m trying to fall asleep I like things very quiet.
When I complained about having to sleep with Fudge my mother said, “It’s just for two nights, Peter.”
“I’ll sleep in the living room,” I suggested. “ On the sofa. . .or even in a chair.”
“No,” my mother said. “You will sleep in your bedroom. In your own bed!
There was no point in arguing. Mom wasn’t going to change her mind.
She spent the day in the kitchen. She really cooked up a storm. She used so many pots and pans Fudge didn’t have any left to bang together. And that’s one of his favorite pastimes - banging pots and pans together. A person can get an awful headache listening to that racket.
Right after lunch my mother opened up the dinner table. We don’t have a separate dining room. When we have company for dinner we eat in one end of the living room. When Mm finished setting the table she put silver bowl filled wit flowers right in the middle. I said, “ Hey, Mom . . . it looks like you’re expecting the President or something.”
“Very funny, Peter!” my mother answered.
Sometimes my mother laughs like crazy at my jokes. Other times she pretends not to get them. And then, there are times when I know she gets them but she doesn’t seem to like them. this was one of those times. So I decided no more jokes until after dinner.
I went to JImmy Fargo’s for the after noon. I came home at four o’clock. I found my mother standing over the dinner table mumbling. Fudge was on the floor playing with my father’s socks. I’m not sure why he likes socks so much, but if you give him a few pairs he’ll play quietly for an hour.
I said, “Hi, Mom. I’m home.”
“I’m missing two flowers,” my mother said.
I don’t know how she noticed that two flowers were missing from her silver bowl. Because there were at least a dozen of them left. But sure enough, when I checked I saw two stems with nothing on them.
“ Don’t look at me, Mom,” I said. “ What would I do with two measly flowers?”
So we both looked at Fudge. “ Did you take MOmmy’s pretty flowers?” my mother asked him.
“No take,” Fudge said. H was chewing on something.
What’s in your mouth?” my mother asked.
Fudge didn’t answer.
“ Show Mommy!”
“No show,” Fudge said.
“ Oh yes!” My mother picked him up and forced his mouth open. She fished out a rose petal.
“What did you do with Mommy’s flowers?” She raised her voice. She was really getting upset.
Fudge laughed.
“Tell Mommy!”
“Yum!” Fudge said. “Yummy yummy yummy!”
“OH no!” my mother cried rushing to the telephone.
She called Dr. Cone. She told him that Fudge ate two flowers. Dr. Cone must have asked what kind, because my mother said, “Roses, I think. But I can’t be sure. One might have been a daisy.”
There was a long pause while my mother listened to whatever Dr. Cone had to say. Then Mom said, “Thank you, Dr. Cone.” She hung up.
“No more flowers!” she told Fudge. “ You understand?”
“No more,” Fudge repeated. “No more . . . no more . . . no more.”
My mother gave him a spoonful of peppermint-flavored medicine. The kind I take when I have a stomach pains. The she carried Fudge off to have his bath.
Leave it to my brother to eat flowers! I wondered how they tasted. Maybe they’re delicious and I don’t know it because I’ve never tasted one, I thought. I decided to find out. I picked off one petal from a pink rose. I put it in my mouth and tried to chew it up. But I couldn't do it. It tasted awful. I spit it out in the garbage. Well, at least now I knew I wasn’t missing anything great!
Fudge ate his supper in the kitchen before our company arrived. While he was eating I heard my mother remind him, “Fudgie’s going to be a good boy tonight. Very good for Daddy’s friends.”
“Good,” Fudge said. “Good boy.”
“That’s right!” my mother told him.
I changed and scrubbed up while Fudge finished his supper. I was going to eat with the company. Being nine has its advantages!
My mother was all dressed up by the time my father got home with the Yarbys. You’d never have guessed that Mom spent most of the day in the kitchen. You’d also never have guessed that Fudge ate two flowers. He was feeling fine. He even smelled nice-like baby powder.
Mrs. Yarby picked him up right away. I knew she would. She looked like a grandmother. That type always makes a big deal out of Fudge. She walked into the living room cuddling him. Then she sat down on the sofa and bounced Fudge around on her lap.
“Isn’t he the cutest little boy!” Mrs. Yarby said. “ I just love babies.” She gave him a big kiss on the top of his head. I kept waiting for some body to tell her Fudge was no baby. But no one did.
My father carried the Yarbys’ suitcase into Fudge’s room. when he came back he introduced me to our company.
“ This is our older son, Peter,” he said to the Yarbys.
“I”m nine and in fourth grade,” I told them.
“How do, Peter,” Mr. Yarby said.
Mrs Yarby just gave me a nod. She was still busy with Fudge. “I have a surprise for this dear little boy!” she said. “ It’s in my suitcase. Should I go get it?”
“Yes,” Fudge shouted. “Go get . . . go get!”
Mrs. Yarby laughed, as if that was the best joke she ever heard. “I’ll be right back,” she told Fudge. She put him down and ran off to find her suitcase.
She came back carrying a present tied up with a red ribbon.
“Ohhhh!” Fudge cried, Opening his eyes wide. “Goody!” He clapped his hands
Mrs. Yarby helped him unwrap his surprise. It was a wind up train that made a lot of noise. Every time it bumped into something it turned around and went the other way.
Fudge liked it a lot. He likes anything that’s noisy.
I said, “ That’s a nice train.”
Mrs. Yarby turned to me. “Oh, I have something for your too uh . . . uh. . . .”
“Peter,” I reminded her. “My name is Peter.”
“Yes. Well, I’.. go get it.”
Mrs. Yarby left the room again. This time she came back with a flat package. It was wrapped up too-red ribbon and all. She handed it to me. Fudge stopped playing with his train long enough to come over and see what I got. I took off the paper very carefully in case my mother wanted to save it. And also to show Mrs. Yarby that I’m a lot more careful about things than my brother. I’m not sure she noticed. My present turned out to be a big picture dictionary. The kind I liked when I was about for years old. My old one is in Fudge’s bookcase now.
“I don’t know much about big boys, “ Mrs. Yarby said. “ So the lady in the store said a nice book would be a good idea.”
A nice book would have been a good idea, I thought. But a picture dictionary! That’s for babies! I’ve had my own regular dictionary since I was eight. But I knew I had to be polite so I said, “ Thank you very much. It’s just what I’ve always wanted.”
“I’m so glad!” Mrs. Yarby said. She let out a long sigh and sat back on the sofa.
My father offered the Yarbys a drink.
“Good idea . . .good idea,” Mr. Yarby said.
“What’ll it be ?” my father asked.
“What’ll it be ?” Mr. Yarby repeated, laughing. “What do you think, Hatcher? It’ll be Juicy-O! That’s all we ever drink. Good for your health!” Mr. Yarby pounded his chest.
“Of course!” my father said, like he knew it all along. “Juicy-O for everyone!” my father told my mother. She went into the kitchen to get it.
While my father and Mr. Yarby were discussing Juicy-O, Fudge disappeared. Just as my mother served everyone a glass of Mr. Yarby’s favorite drink he came back. He was carrying a book-my old, worn-out picture dictionary. The same as the one the Yarbys just gave me.
“See,” Fudge said, climbing up on Mrs. Yarby’s lap. “ See book.”
I wanted to vanish. I think my mother and father did too.
“ See book!” Now Fudge held it up over his head.
“I can use another one,” I explained. “ I really can. That old one is falling apart.” I tried to laugh.
“It’s returnable,” Mrs. Yarby said. “ It’s silly to keep it if you already have one.” She sounded insulted. Like it was my fault she brought me some thing I already had.
“MINE!” Fudge said. He closed the book and held it tight against his chest. “MINE . . . MINE . . . MINE. . . .”
“It’s the thought that counts,” my mother said. “It was so nice of you to think of our boys.” Then she turned to Fudge. “Put the book away now, Fudgie.”
“Isn’t it Fudgie’s bedtime?” my father hinted.
“Oh yes. I think it is,” my mother said scooping him up. “ Say goodnight Fudgie.”
“Goodnight Fudgie!” my brother said, waving at us.
Fudge was supposed to fall asleep before we sat down to dinner. But just in case, my mother put a million little toys in his crib to keep him busy. I don’t know who my mother thought she was fooling. Because we all know that Fudge can climb out of his any old time he wants to.
He stayed away until we were in the middle of our roast beef. Then he came in carrying Dribble’s bowl. He walked right up to Mrs. Yarby. He thought she was his new friend. “See,” he said, holding Dribble under her nose. “See Dribble.”
Mrs. Yarby shrieked. “Ohhhh! I can’t stand reptiles. Get that thing away from me!”
Fudge looked disappointed. So he showed Dribble to Mr Yarby. “See,” he said.
“HATCHER!” Mr. Yarby boomed. “Make him get that thing out of here!"
I wondered why Mr. Yarby called my father “Hatcher” Didn’t he know his first name was Warren? And I didn’t like the way Mr. and Mrs. Yarby both called Dribble a “thing.”
I jumped up. “Give him to me!” I told Fudge. I took Dribble and his bowl and marched into my room. I inspected my turtle all over. He seemed all right. I didn’t want to make a big scene in front of our company but I was mad! I mean really mad! That kid knows he’s not allowed to touch my turtle!
“Peter,” my father called, “come and finish your dinner.”
When I got back to the table I heard Mrs. Yarby say, “It must be interesting to have children. We never had any ourselves.”
“But if we did,” Mr. Yarby told my father, “we’d teach them some manners. I’m a firm believer in old-fashioned good manners!”
“So are we, Howard,” my father said in a weak voice.
I thought Mr. Yarby had a lot of nerve to hint that we had no manners. Didn’t I pretend to like their dumb old picture dictionary? If that isn’t good manners, then I don’t know what is!
My mother excused herself and carried Fudge back to my room. I guess she put him into his crib again. I hoped she told him to keep his hands off my things.
We didn’t hear from him again until dessert. Just as my mother was pouring the coffee he ran in wearing my rubber gorilla mask from last Hallowe’en. It’s a very real-looking mask. I guess that’s why Mrs. Yarby screamed so loud. If she hadn’t made so much noise my mother probably wouldn’t have spilled the coffee all over the floor.
My father grabbed Fudge and pulled the gorilla mask off him. “ That’s not funny, Fudgie!” he said.
“Funny,” Fudge laughed. “Funny, funny, funny, Fudgie!”
“Yes sir, Hatcher!” Mr. Yarby said. “Old-fashioned manners!”
By that time I’m sure my father was sorry the Yarbys weren’t staying at a hotel.
I finally got to bed at ten. Fudge was in his crib slurping away. I thought I’d never fall asleep! But I guess I did. I woke up once, when Fudge started babbling. He said, “Boo-ba-mum-mum-ha-ba-shi.” Whatever that means. I didn’t even get scared. I whispered, “Shut up!” And he did.
Early the next morning I felt something funny on my arm. At first I didn’t wake up. I just felt this little tickle. I thought it was part of my dream. But then I had the feeling somebody was staring at me. So I opened my eyes.
Fudge was standing over me and Dribble was crawling around on my arm. I guess Fudge could tell I was about to kill him because he bent down and kissed me. That’s what he does when my mother’s angry at him. He thinks nobody can resist him when he makes himself so lovable. And a lot of times it works with my mother. But not with me! I jumped up, put Dribble back into his bowl, and smacked Fudge on his backside. Hard. He hollered.
My father came running into my room. He was still in his pajamas.
He whispered, “What’s going on in here?”
I pointed at Fudge and he pointed at me.
My father picked up my brother and carried him off. “Go back to sleep, Peter,” he said. “It’s only six o’clock in the morning.”
I fell asleep for another hour, then woke up to awful noise. It was Fudge playing with his new train. It woke up everybody, including the Yarbys. But this time there was nobody they coud blame. They were the ones who gave Fudge the train in the first place.
Breakfast was a very quiet affair. Nobody had much to say. Mr. Yarby drank two glasses of Juicy-O. Then he told my father that he and Mrs. Yarby had their suitcase packed. They were leaving for a hotel as soon as breakfast was over.
My father said he understood. That the apartment was too small for so many people. My mother didn’t say anything.
When Mr. Yarby went into Fudge’s bedroom to pick up his suitcase his voice boomed. “HATCHER!”
My father ran toward the bedroom. My mother and Mrs. Yarby followed him. I followed them. When we got there we saw Fudge sitting on the Yarbys’ suitcase. He had decorated it with about one hundred green stamps The kind my mother gets at the supermarket.
“See,” Fudge said. “See . . . pretty.” He laughed. Nobody else did. Then he licked the last green stamp and stuck it right in the middle of the suitcase. “All gone!” Fudge sang, holding up his hands.
It took my mother half an hour to peel off her trading stamps and clean up the Yarbys’ suitcase.
The next week my father came home from the office and collected all the cans of Juicy-O in our house. He dumped them into the garbage. My mother felt bad that my father had lost such an important account. But my father told her not to worry. Juicy-O wasn’t selling very well at the stores. Nobody seemed to like the combination of oranges, grapefruits, pineapples, pears, and bananas.
“You know, Dad,” I said. “I only drank Juicy-O to be polite. I really hated it!”
“You know something funny, Peter?” my father said. “I thought it was pretty bad myself!”
